RYC Word Part 2: Ask, And It Will Be Given To You (My Share)

Dear Surrey Two,

If the Lord turns "every test into a testimony", then the cross I had to carry throughout my first year as Chapter Head was heavy not for the benefit of myself, but for the benefit of those who were affected by my share.

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Last year was a big year for me. The Lord not only called me to serve the chapter, but He called me to fall: I fell down, fell apart, fell to pieces, fell to my knees, and fell in Love. And every bit of it hurt.

To reiterate my share, I had a hard time during my first year as Chapter Head because of the unfortunate comparisons I made of myself towards others. Firstly, I felt that I was being thrown into the service because the sister before me had stepped down. I thought it should have still been her, and that I was solely there as a replacement. Secondly, I compared myself to the sister that I thought should have been asked. The sister who I felt had more love, more care, more heart, and more compassion for the chapter than I did. Lastly, I compared myself to the leaders I looked up to. I viewed them as people of strength, thus seeing myself as a weak leader. 

I felt completely incompetent. I believed that I could not love the chapter the way that any of these people were able to love. And because of this, I thought the chapter did not feel love(d). And on top of that, I often felt unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. But through His grace, I was reminded that I am specifically anointed to serve the chapter.

There are actually two things I wanted to write about regarding my share: what happened during it and what happened after it.

During My Share

Though I prepared for and practiced it, I know for a fact that the entire thing was Spirit led. I generally get very nervous to speak in front of people, so speaking in front of the entire region should have completely freaked me out, but it didn't. Though I was present, it didn't feel like I was there. I knew my mouth was moving, but I didn't feel like I was speaking. And then suddenly I was standing before the crucifix. So when I realized my whereabouts I became bewildered. 

I never intended on travelling there, but my subconscious must have acknowledged the crucifix. My soul must have been so attracted to His presence within it to move my body there right when my share hit it's climax. It was right after the mess of me expressing my distress to the Lord that I took a mental step back and to look at what I was gazing towards. And in that split-second of a moment, I saw Christ thirst for me. It was in that moment that I finally got what I was sharing about and what the Lord wanted me to understand.

After My Share

With all humility, I admit that this was when the Lord spoke to me the most. I received less than a handful of affirmations (the "great job, Angelica!" kind) from my share, and I was completely fine with that. I didn't seek or want them, because I was assured that the Lord used me well. But what I wasn't prepared for was how greatly the Lord used me. It was a blessing to be approached by friends who were experiencing what I had experienced as well as by strangers who were moved to tears. Most of all, it was a blessing to encounter some of the chapter after my share. 

When I left the gym to get water, I saw some brothers and sisters looking at me while standing in line for confession in the youth room. Some began to cry when I approached and hugged them, but all expressed how they felt: shocked, confused, sad, and some even seemed hurt. And yet again, the Lord decided to hit me in that moment. Because honestly, how could I feel so unsure that the chapter loved me when there was never an actual moment to support that they didn't?

So now, I would like to apologize: to you, for doubting your love for me, and to the Lord, for doubting you were loved by Him through me. This post, I will admit, is a bit of a mess. And I'm only publishing it now because I've saved it as a draft for so long, mainly because in some ways, this storm has yet to pass. But I'm okay with it, because I know I would not be the sister that the Lord is calling me to be if I were without it.

But why did I choose the "ask" portion of RYC's anchor verse for this particular post?

Because before I stepped up as chapter head, I was servant for Camp Exchange. The anchor verse for that camp was one that I carried over into my new service role: "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:13). Looking back now, I basically asked the Lord for my cross. My favourite lyrical prayer, "break my heart for what breaks Yours", was a cry that was answered. Every moment of internal sorrow increased my desire for you to never feel the way I did. But if you did and I was unable to do anything about it, then with all my heart, I wish I could have done something. And if you did and I failed to acknowledge it, then with all my heart, I am sorry. With complete dependence in the Lord, I would completely lay down my life to take and carry all of your crosses, if that would ensure you an eternity of joy. But with complete trust in the Lord, I lay down my life to help you carry all of your crosses, for I am assured that your joy will not be complete without your cross. Thank you for helping me see and understand the beauty in my struggle.

I challenge you now, dear reader, to find a crucifix after finishing this post. Stare at it and reflect on it for a good minute or so, asking how the Lord might be thirsting for you. Because being (or in my case, sharing) at a big event shouldn't be the only thing that leads us to one. As He thirsts for us, may we always thirst for Him too.

"Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself. Do not be disheartened by your imperfections, but always rise up with fresh courage." - St. Francis de Sales